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Shi-oo's Private Thoughts

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17th September 2004

9:38pm: -- Father...jesus christ
What the hell...well, I'm not sure what I expected exactly. Father got here yesterday of course. And everything went fine and whoohoo. We went to the sagebrush and listened to a slightly lacking guitarist/singer. Bald guy, Evan I think.
And so as I was sitting out in the dining room, I found that father is a wee bit intoxicated. I should've left on noticing it; but silly me. And he went into his weird "test". The "test" (to those of you who don't know), is basically a silly and ridiculous little argument made to judge my reactions. Despite the fact that it is a test, this slightly drunken man getting on me about this or that and nitpicking about whatever is entirely frustrating and, to me, absolutely intolerable. I suppose if I'm to live with him again I need to learn not to take him seriously when he gets like that.
In any case, I'm fine; whoo, great; yeah. Whatever, oh and FUCK...that's what he was nitpicking about...the usage of the word, fuck. Why I would use it so much. Laziness blah blah BLAH.
-_-....now they are out there talking about me. You know...-_-...they are frustrating...I doubt that will ever change...
Current Mood: annoyed

15th September 2004

5:40am: Ugh it's 5:30...
Yeah well I'm up too late...again...woe as me.
Let's see...I did a new wallpaper just now. The first real one I've done of Shi-oo...well I guess that isn't true. But it probably is the first "official" shi-oo wallpaper. It's coooooool...near LiNA!
Hmm, after having found the elvis records this weekend at the girl's house I decided to put a few up on ebay, and so did so earlier.
I also posted the webdesign site promotion to a few more acting forums. I need to do the same tomorrow on a more extended basis.
Then I went to Doug's and worked for a bit. Got a check so that mother can get some stuff to make a good dinner for Father on Thursday. Doug was in a rather chipper mood for unknown reasons; despite my earlier refusal to go to dinner with him and his mother. Odd, but I'm not complaining.
Oh yeah, earlier in the day, when I took Winter out; this green average looking (I think Toyota) pulled out of the driveway next door. And then parked on the curb a few yards away from me and then sat there facing the other direction. When I looked back a few times, I noticed that they were holding something in front of them, small and rectangular. And just holding it there. I suspect it was a mirror and that they were watching me (very stupidly might I add. I'm not the most observant person in the world and I noticed that). It may have been the same woman who bothered me before (taking a picture of me and all that) over dogshit. I'm not sure, but I think she was driving a very similar type of car if not the same one altogether. Besides that...my suspicions were kind of confirmed when I went back in the gate after standing out there paranoid for 10 minutes; and watched out the side of my eye as they drove off right as I left. Peachy...
Hmm...so anything else? Not really...organized my computer a tad. New look. More interesting. More me. Watched X-files...And now I need to go to bed.
Current Mood: drained

13th September 2004

11:08pm: another day of obsessive compulsory distraction
So, after staying up pretty much all night; Sophia showed up. I'd say at about 9:30. And so she took me back to the apartment and I started to put more drawings on the walls. I became positively enamored with the thought of covering every bit of blank space on the walls. Of course I didn't quite succeed. But, I printed out half a dozen wallpapers of mine and put them up on top of all of my more notable drawings. Overall I'd have to say it looks better overall, but I need to make more to put up.
I took a nap until mother got home and watched X-files up until now. I am now falling asleep but goddamned mother is painting her fingernails and so I can't go to sleep really. And this is the last episode of X-files that I currently have...::cries::
11:07pm: another day of obsessive compulsory distraction
So, after staying up pretty much all night; Sophia showed up. I'd say at about 9:30. And so she took me back to the apartment and I started to put more drawings on the walls. I became positively enamored with the thought of covering every bit of blank space on the walls. Of course I didn't quite succeed. But, I printed out half a dozen wallpapers of mine and put them up on top of all of my more notable drawings. Overall I'd have to say it looks better overall, but I need to make more to put up.
I took a nap until mother got home and watched X-files up until now. I am now falling asleep but goddamned mother is painting her fingernails and so I can't go to sleep really. And this is the last episode of X-files that I currently have...::cries::
11:07pm: another day of obsessive compulsory distraction
So, after staying up pretty much all night; Sophia showed up. I'd say at about 9:30. And so she took me back to the apartment and I started to put more drawings on the walls. I became positively enamored with the thought of covering every bit of blank space on the walls. Of course I didn't quite succeed. But, I printed out half a dozen wallpapers of mine and put them up on top of all of my more notable drawings. Overall I'd have to say it looks better overall, but I need to make more to put up.
I took a nap until mother got home and watched X-files up until now. I am now falling asleep but goddamned mother is painting her fingernails and so I can't go to sleep really. And this is the last episode of X-files that I currently have...::cries::
11:07pm: another day of obsessive compulsory distraction
So, after staying up pretty much all night; Sophia showed up. I'd say at about 9:30. And so she took me back to the apartment and I started to put more drawings on the walls. I became positively enamored with the thought of covering every bit of blank space on the walls. Of course I didn't quite succeed. But, I printed out half a dozen wallpapers of mine and put them up on top of all of my more notable drawings. Overall I'd have to say it looks better overall, but I need to make more to put up.
I took a nap until mother got home and watched X-files up until now. I am now falling asleep but goddamned mother is painting her fingernails and so I can't go to sleep really. And this is the last episode of X-files that I currently have...::cries::

12th September 2004

7:38pm: not quite as productive as I'd like...
Well last night, I stayed up reeeally early. Til like 9 or something. I started a new song called File Under X inspired by an obvious source. Really I just got a first version of a chorus out. I rather like it, but it needs a lot of work yet. I also wrote the Introduction to my little gay-love story. Hurrah. Not exactly all I wanted to get done but oh well. At least I got something done. Oh, and today I started the song Bubble Gum. Also have a first version chorus of that and that is really cool. It'll be really awesome. Although it isn't really terribly dancey. In order for it to go on Contraversy I'll probaby have to do a different mix of it. I don't imagine that'll be all that difficult.
Mother stopped by at about 1 and stayed til 4 unsuccessfully doing laundry due to the lack of an adequate dryer. Oh and I found my Elvis records (among other things) in the garage today so hurrah for that.
Nothing else really has happened. Just sort of been sitting around and thinking of all the things I have to deal with in the next week with father and all. Besides that my new study schedule and Greg of course. But it'll happen how it happens. Little I can do to change that.
So I figure I'll start writing more of my story tonight. Maybe get halfway through chapter 1. Or even just a page. Just something. Play Simpsons. Actually that sounds like a really good idea right now. Just sit down and play a video game with my orange soda and M&Ms before I write for a couple of hours. I should go to bed earlier too. I'm already tired (got like 4 hours of sleep last night). So, might as well take advantage of that unusual situation eh?
Current Mood: artistic

11th September 2004

5:45am: vacation always forever...
So sophia picked me up...I actually woke up when I wanted to (well...not when I wanted to, rather when I had to) and started for whatever reason, sticking some of my drawings up on the empty wallspace. ::shrugs:: But on the way to the girl's house I had the most intriguing conversation with Sophia. Apparently she works mostly for the benefit of helping to support the lesbians. Isn't that just peachy? She gives everything to them. So I can understand her frustration. However misplaced it might have been during our stay here.
After I got here I watched an X-files and passed out until around 5 when I had to get up to feed the animals, and call doug. He then proceeded to pick me up briefly after and I worked until 10 or so. Picked up that check mother and I so very badly needed of a measly 100 dollars. And then went to watch more X-files, and played Simpsons up to a few minutes ago. Now I'm deciding whether I should stay up all night or not. I'm thinking not. I didn't get much sleep last night, despite my afternoon nap, and I will always have tomorrow to do whatever I wish with. After all, I'm not doing anything sunday. So ... figure sometime at night tomorrow I'll start writing and won't stop until I'm done with a rough draft. That'd be so nicely productive wouldn't it? Yay! Then I could sleep through the afternoon again -.-. No no I'd have to stay up and do something. Go to bed early. Get up early. Need to must yes. ::cough:: Anyway, away with me for I am senseless.
Current Mood: bouncy

9th September 2004

10:48pm: slightly unproductive...
Well, got up too late partially because phone calls kept on waking me up and convincing me that I needed to go back to sleep because of it. When I finally did get up, all I did was clean myself up basically...of course I did organize the top of the closet and reorganized my cds so that I can see what I have despite the fact that i don't have more IKEA shelves. Have to make due for now.
Soon mother got home, made tuna casserole. Watched X-files...and here I am...with a slight headache wanting to go to bed but having to pack. Of course I have to put away the computer (as I will be writing on it) so I figured before I did I'd make a note of the day.
Sophia is coming at 9:30 tomorrow morning...which means that for a change I WILL get up earlier. Of course I'll be exhausted at Dougs. I'll just have to tell him I have to get back home due to the excuse that I have to let the animals in. That's a perfectly good excuse. With that I can get home by 11 or so probably. At which point I should just leave my little journal entry and go to bed as I'll undoubtedly be tired.
But anyway...then on Saturday I'll get up, eat something, and work on the story. That's all I want to do all weekend. Write write write...and watch X-files, well...among other things...::snicker:: Anyway...yes must remember to get check from Doug tomorrow. Must I must...ugh...I don't look forward to working for him tomorrow. The very thought of going back to those cds makes my head pound. Oh well...like I said I can get out of it by 11 and go back to work on it Monday or something. ::gasp:: father's getting here wednesday or thursday. That's CRAZY --'. Anyway, blah blah blah...must be off to watch one more X-files and go to SLEEP so that I can get up at 8 and get all of my laundry out for mother to bring over on saturday and all of that shit...ugh...my head...
Current Mood: rushed
4:16am: another day, another bore...
Woke up too late again...but early enough to catch the Angry Beavers...whoo...ate an egg sandwich...got two or three calls from mother stressing about finances...got a call no two calls from Natasha about what to do when I go over to housesit...even though they'll leave a not anyway...then Doug showed up all of a sudden so I had to clear out...
on the bright side, I did manage to get six pages into my world history book, starting out a word file of notes while I went. That's something positive. Relisted a few ebay items in hopes of paying off the rest of the ebay fees.
Met with Greg this evening while I was with Doug. We took a bit of a break and went to IN&Out burger. Greg seemed much the same as always, a bit less stressed; but obviously preparing himself for things to come. I finally told him my position on the Uncle Notty site; which I believe to be a good amount of weight off of my shoulders. Now if only we could figure out a way for him to use me which wouldn't involve my having to spend all of my time out of the apartment. It would be more convenient for both of us (him because he wouldn't have to drive back and forth) if we could figure out something where he drops something off every so often (or emails me) whatever I need to use; then I put it to where it needs to be. In this case, it would be ebay. His parents are terribly broke and apparently soon out of a place to live. Married 51 years and they don't have a stable place of their own...and MOTHER complains...but anyway...selling a lot of various items that is taking up storage space (and wasting money) would both be profitable for me, and Greg and his parents. Therefore, it is a good step forward. But like I said, so long as it is done right.
Let's see...not really any responses to webdesign; although it seems to have gotten a couple of visits. I still need to go to afew more forums however to better my chances. Since I'll be home tomorrow, I suppose I shall have time then. Of course I also have to pack those ebay things, but that won't take long. What else do I have to do tomorrow? Ah yes, closet top...consolidate...indeed. Well if I did that I would have more storage space for some of the stuff on my shelves (or for ebay stuff) which would be a godsend and would further promote the organizational structure and efficiency of my room; which is very important to me. Of course I should continue my history. I want to get to at least page 20 tomorrow. I should probably hook back up to Psychology as well.
After I got home from Dougs, I just made myself a PBJ sandwich and top ramen, and watched X-files (as usual). Now it is too late again but with hopes I have set my alarm again. One can only help my will will be stronger than yesterday.
Current Mood: tired

8th September 2004

3:19am: just checkin in...
I came to realize the importance of writing down one's day schedules...as boring as it may get or seem...because if you don't...the days just fade together into this big grey chaotic mess of meaningless days. And as I don't like the thought of my days being meaningless, I must write at least once every other day. So let us see.
Yesterday I got the WebDesign service revamped. I'm still using the layout with the dark winged angel thing and the spider since well, there really is nothing wrong with it. I just had to redo the information. Made a simple paypal cart and such. So that if somebody wanted to, they could send me up to 400 bucks for a website. Wouldn't that be awesome to go check my email and see "Blah blah has sent you cash!" whoo! Of course I would then have to work on whatever site...but hey! Working on sites is interesting to me. And for that much. Why the hell not. So I put my link up on an acting forum. Tomorrow I should look for a couple of other forums to link to . And today I added a counter to the site so I should be able to see how many visitors approximately are showing up. The more the merrier I will be.
Hmmm so, I worked for Doug today, unloaded his van and then started the tedious task of consolidating all of the CDs in the living room out into the storage area. Rather a bore, rather time consuming, but then again...the more time I spend on it right now the more money I'll get. And money is definately an issue at the moment. Even though it amazes me how. I've forwarded 150 from ebay, 100 from a previous check from Doug, father sent 275 just recently. It seems a bit crazy. But perhaps it is crazy. Many things are after all.
Father is coming on the 15th or 16th. So hopefully he will get a job that pays well enough to make a difference to our rather poor state of affairs. Of course hopefully my webdesign site will pick up enough to make a difference. It would be nice to be ahead for a change.
Yesterday...actually the day before that...I got an idea for a story. I wrote out an outline for it as I plan for it to be a short story. Something like 6-10 chapters. Nothing big, not a parter/novel deal. Maybe a hundred pages? It'll involve this boy who basically gets seducted into homosexuality by a mysterious and alluring individual rather like myself. Who could blame him? But no it won't be as tacky as it sounds. It isn't going to be PORN after all. Well...at least not THAT book in the series.
So Josh started school today apparently. Whoopdiedoo! Of course I have been wanting to get back to school the past couple of days but haven't quite gotten around to it yet. But it is in my mind so I'm sure I will soon. If I can ever get up early enough I definately would get to it. Actually, I would get to a lot more things if I got up when I wanted to. I really should try to change my habits; if not for the sake of health and good habits, rather for the sake of productivity and efficiency. After all, I so do hate it when I'm inefficient. One might even say I have the work attitude of a Jap.
Anything else? Well I'm going over to K+N's this weekend to housesit for them while they do another show in New York. That should be fun, for multiple reasons ::wink wink:: But really, I think I will use the bit of time I get to myself to start writing that story I mentioned. After all, the sooner I write it; the sooner I can turn it into a script and offer it to some suspect artsy producer and make tons of money and get one step up to stardom. Or, to take a more pessimistic approach, the sooner it'll get to collect dust in a filing cabinet or on my shelf. Either way, better it is written than lost to the chaos of other inspiration, indeed?
I don't really look forward to tomorrow. Doug is going to pick me up again so that I can continue the most tedious task he had me start.
I don't really look forward to next week. Greg will contact me then...if not before...and I'm not sure what to tell him at this point. Doug is intrusive enough into my already insufficient time. Especially with my revelation to start studying again. Well... it depends on what he'll pay me...wait...does it? Whether he pays me this much or that much I still will lose the time which I very badly need to spend on other backlogged things. Is his money worth it to me? For all of the trouble? For all of the lost time? Will he introduce me to anything that will really bring me a step up some evolutionary ladder? I don't really think so.
In any case, X-files kicks ass. I just watched this episode called "War of the Coprophages" and my GOD, it was funny. I kept on cracking up. Scully kick's ass.
Anyway, better go to sleep. This is later than I went to bed last night and I woke up at 2 today, SO...let's aim for 10 today shall we?...not THAT 10...but you know...that before lunch 10. Yeah...-_-'
Current Mood: ditzy

29th July 2004

3:41am: Hmmm...I still suck
So...have you ever worked for three years almost nonstop over a certain hobby only to realize that although you've gotten better, you still SUCK? Yeah well...whatever...I mean really, with the music; how the hell am I supposed to make something sound as good as some studio-produced song with my one little (albeit expensive) program? I can't! It just isn't possible! I can make something that is a good stab at one or even lots of stuff that is just incredibly off the scale that sounds interesting. But when I go for a genre, what do I get? NADDA! And it seems like I suck! I DON'T suck...of course i'm sure if I was reeeeeally good I COULD make it sound studio-produced...IF I was really good. Which I'm not...did i mention I suck? Yeah well, whatever. I'm still better than a lot of the shitheads getting record deals right now. If I got a record deal and a large budget to hire musicians I would SO overwhelm the world. But WHATever...
I wonder why I'm ranting here anyway...maybe because I turned off AIM, it's late, and because I'm BITCHY and need to bitch at something...meh...stupid Ayu making me feel like I suck. FUCK YOU AYU! YOU BITCH HAVING ALL OF YOUR STUFF MIXED FOR YOU ALL YOU DO IS WRITE THE LYRICS AND HALF-COMPOSE YOU SLACK! WHORE! CUNTFACE!...but a very...very beautiful one and I LOVE your latest single can I tell you. Especially the picture on the front. Quite stunning really all in all. I applause the whole set...but YOU WHORE YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOUR SONG WAS SO GOOD AND NOW YOU LAUGH...YOU LAUGH!? You sadistic bitch!...I think I like it! C-c-c-can I have your number? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO!?...well FINE...I'll just go fuck myself, twist my arm, one day you'll know you missed out on the threesome of a lifetime between me me and you! bitch...::goes to fuck self:: OH AND ONE MORE THING........moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...mmmmmm...m-m-m-mmmmmm-m-moooooonnnnnnn-n-neyyyyyy....::orgasm::
Current Mood: aggravated

18th June 2004

4:13am: Oh god...
Okay this is absolutely ridiculous...
I was working at Dougs...inventory on the cds...when Doug helps me to place this cd and makes the discovery that the b-sides are muy-fucked up. Then we go on to find that the prices are muy fucked up. Hurray. So he freaks out and I freak out. We both fucking overreacted. You'd think it was the end of the world for fucks sake. But the thing was, both his and my energies were in the negative towards ME. So I'm NOT in a good place right now at all. I feel like I've been trampled is what I feel like.
And the mistake I made, OH...I'm still not even quite sure what happened...I don't know if I even care anymore actually. But fixing it...I was working on it up til 2 minutes ago when I decided I couldn't see straight enough to continue effectively...let's see...and why am I staying up so late anyway? Hmm? Why? Because I am being a fucking freak having to have it all done THIS instant. Well HURRAH for me. Aren't I fucking dedicated. FUCK THAT...I'm tired, I'm stressed, and my life does not depend upon it. Doug will understand when I tell him it isn't completely done yet but that I can easily go through and check things while I do it. And if he doesn't, fuck him. It'll get done when it gets done. I can't do more than I can do. Sorry I made a mistake, but we are both going to have to live with it. And he's going to fucking hear it if he gets on me (which he'd better not).
And I came to the strong realization oh...around 40 minutes ago while I was working on the list...that I HATE ...and I mean HATE staring at databases. I do, I hate it. I will never do it again if I don't have to. I think it is a good motivation to REALLY fucking try harder at everything else I do...channel my energy more wisely. I don't have to be the best at the most boring job in the world...just the best at the more interesting ones...right? Right...after all...who wants to be a perfect fast food worker...until you are fucking weird. And I may be weird but not in THAT way...
I am so...fucking out of it and weird right now. I feel terrible. I don't know what exactly happened. I'm confused on a whole actually. Hopefully some sleep will clear it up. I'm so...fucked...jesus...aaah...get me out get me out...
Current Mood: crushed

14th June 2004

2:33am: a quick note...
just a few minutes left on my battery SO I must be quick...worked for Doug, working for Greg tomorrow...lala whatever right.
So I've been having the most...interesting dreams the past few nights...very teasing really...
In every one there is the same stranger...and every time I meet with him in a slightly different way. But everytime I am attracted to him, and every time we end up kissing passionately...then he says he loves me. Then just as I feel that I couldn't be happier I wake up to realize that the happiness was just a dream and that really I'm a miserably lonely 17 year old who is stuck without a driver's license and without a penny in an apartment in LA...LOVELY...anyway...yeah...
I'm told that strangers...at least repeated strangers in dreams...signifies that the dream isn't a dream...but rather a premonition...SO...that means that sometime in the next few years I should be meeting and passionately kissing an adorable guy who loves me. Hurray!
On a sidenote: I've fallen in love with the stranger in my dreams...is that pathetic...or just weird?

11th June 2004

1:28am: ugh
...I just got back from working for 7 hours...ick...yeuch...agh...all I see are catalog numbers...uhm...jesus...yeah...
But YAY! I don't have to work for at least two days now! HURRAY!...well at least not with Doug...half-hurray...just ebay stuff...which isn't so bad...lala...la..........la....
Current Mood: tired

9th June 2004

1:25am: hmm...
What IS going on...had a weird dream last night...this guy was angry at his girlfriend who left him...came crashing into this party by a pool and did something to her...then said it was all because of that damned cat...which I then grabbed by the tail and swung into a pool...somebody bitched at me saying that it might die...then I in a bathtub with somebody, collecting cat hair and giving it to them...eh heh...
ANYWAY...erm...other than that...I slept...watched Buffy...Angel...did laundry...whoohoo...Oh I made the intro page for Shi-oo.net...so yay. Other than that...worked for Doug again. Almost done with that damned inventory...at least of the vinyl which is a godsend...
Nothing really else to note...just figured I should say something before I forget about the journal -.-'
Current Mood: calm

6th June 2004

5:16am: The mania...
Went on a scavenger hunt for pictures to make wallpapers with. Waiiiiii...-- it was a friggin challenge, but I found Seth Green pictures! AND, made seven more-or-less superior wallpapers with them. Muah...ha...ha...Also Alyson Hannigan and Nicholas Brendon...they'll have their own wallpapers soon toooooo...muah...I love making wallpapers...makes me feel so artsy and special -.-'
ANYWAY...hmm...hmm...erm...today was odd. I woke up in the worst of moods, end up in this strangely WHOOHOO mood. Let's party! Let's have lots of dancing and kissing and randomly grabbed appendages...Seth Green's preferably...ya know what they say about short men ::nudge nudge::
Hmm... let's see... la...la...la...need to get that shi-oo site up a LITTLE bit -_- at least a section for wallpapers...that'd be good.
But first I suppose I have to get a couple of ebay items up, the webdesign site up, and the Vans Closet site up. OH the ongoing trials and tribulations of that which is deemed shi-oo...OH the constant tormoil as this eggregious world throttles him vivaciously through panes of tinted glass and glistening sand...::sighs::
Perhaps I have stayed up a bit too long...I'm acting all dramatic and...kookie...::cough:: Kookie...I like that word...KOOKIE!...it's like cookie but with more KOO in it...wouldn't you agree? Of course you would...
Hmm, so to close things off...where would you hear this:

"Hammer it in there...hammer it in there...assembly is always required...piece me together...yes yes...oh...yes screw that stiff board in place...yeah, do it, mmm..."

Any guesses? Anybody?
Current Mood: hyper

5th June 2004

6:18pm: a spiritual realization of sorts...
So...I was thinking...everyone is always all about what is "out there". As in aliens or gods or whatever. Outer space, heaven, whatever you want to call it...for all time and through all cultures there have existed people who believe that there are things, living entities which live above and below.
Now personally, I feel that religions and spirituality are all just a way that we make logic out of what we "perceive" is around us. All humans have some psychic ability to feel other lifeforms. Now it is true that every religion basically believes in the same things. For all time they have. They believe in entities below and above. Usually that below is evil, and above is good.
Now here's the thing...everybody goes ON and on scientifically and spiritually about what's above us. All of these alien-believing freaks and people always saying "somethings out there". But what everybody fails to really take into consideration is what is below us, and what is "in here".
Realistically, science knows little about what is below the earth's crust. They don't have any way of exploring the vast spaces that exist as of yet. There are many ocean depths which we haven't even reached. So here's my thing...
I believe in extra-terrestrials. No doubt about it, of course they exist in some way. But saying that, and noting that spiritual factions have felt that they do (as gods or whatever else) ever since mankind was literate; then isn't it logical to assume that they were also must have felt what is below us (as demons or whatever else). Since I believe in extra-terrestrials...I must therefore believe in sub-terrestrials. And it makes me wonder...who cares about what is out there until we have discovered everything about ourselves.
Hmm? I dunno. I think it is an interesting concept.
Current Mood: thoughtful

4th June 2004

2:13pm: hmmmmmmmm
New poem...

Dagger of Light
Shrouds of darkness with-hold the light
On these waxing days and nights
The loudest voices scream through and through
And there is nowhere left to run to

The weight of heaven upon the shoulders
Knowlege is not an easy thing
Though it predicts a pleasant scene
That the gates eleven bare no soldiers

Confusion and chaos all out of order
the parallels we wish we had
Heaven, Hell, earth have no borders
All meshed making, world of the mad

But through it all there is the light
The shroud cannot contain it right
For though darkness stretches endlessly
The light cuts thru it, effortlessly

And so though darkness clothes us now
Though the circle is not yet round
I know that the dagger of light will shine through
And that then we won't need a place to run to anymore

Other than that, nada, leave me alone...I worked tonight with Doug...other than that...I talked to the downstairs neighbor briefly...she's nice enough...but of course I had to run and cough my ass off from being around her second-hand smoke...and she was smoking while saying she had a headcold too...of all of the moronic things...smoking with a head cold...jesus...anyway...other than that I'm in a decent mood I suppose. I guess...kinda sorta...yeah? yeah...whatever...oh last night I dreamed that I was masturbating with a cloth statue of anubis...well it was probably vinyl with tons of lube or something...basically I had it blow me or something as it's teeth and all were around and yeah...I woke up orgasming unfortunately didn't get to finish...a pity...should I really talk about this kind of stuff on here? Why not, who the hell cares anyway...I tend to not talk to people who would take THIS kind of shit seriously enough to NEVER talk to me again. -_-...so yeah...lalala...anubis is hot...anyway
Current Mood: artistic

2nd June 2004

11:45am: hmmm...tired
Well, I'm REALLY tired...what did I get done today...well ...the 2nd draft of a song. That's something isn't it? Isn't it? Dont' look at me like that. I'm trying.
Whatever...I'm going to bed now so that I can wake up at a reasonable hour...again...well not that I ever woke up this morning...::cough::
Just told Sean I can't be "lovers" in the sense of the word in a long-distance relationship. It is what has been making me distant from him more than anything really. He didn't take that TOO well but better than I expected I guess...::frowns::
The check with the loan is in the mail so hurray the rent will be paid...I'm going ot watch an episode of buffy and go to sleep...mmmm...blessed sleep.
Current Mood: tired

1st June 2004

4:57pm: late again...or
It's late...very late. OR...it is early, VERY early. It depends on whether I have yet to sleep, or have already slept. ::nods:: Now regardless of fact I think I must make myself believe the latter. Yep, already slept. Rested as hell, just need to wake up completely and have some coffee, start working. Yep yep.
So, let's see what'd I do today. Slept in too long...got a few ebay items up...packed some stuff to send off...watched Buffy & Angel while doing so...downloaded a bunch of occult texts...very interesting, very very...oh! Yelled at my dog for shitting in the house again!...hurray...er ... ... -_- ... ... is my life missing something by chance? From 5 PM to 5 AM, 12 hours; all I did that was productive was pack ebay shit and put a few more items up? I mean sure downloading the occult stuff was a good idea since I can read it and be "knowlegable" but really WORKY stuff? that's IT?! I deserve a flogging...
Whatever...just whatever. oh I need to check my mail and see if that loan went through...oh the positive vibes are just pulsing through me, can you tell? Loans and Terror and Boredom oh my! Shit, no response yet...
Erm...so what was I going to say. Oh I had the most delightful vision. You see my spirit self is this unicorn/pegasus creature named Alystan right. But there are two sides to it: a masculine and a femenine. The masc is Alystanio, the femm is Alystania...and so I was visializing Alystanio & Alystania making hot mystical equine love. So in effect I was fantasizing about screwing myself... the sad thing is I'm really not in love with myself... because in my opinion, I deserve a much more efficient and supportive person. And you all know that I'm just an unstable piece of shit. I don't deserve myself at all. ...I feel kind of split in two all of a sudden...hmm
Oh...and for days now I had been trying to get something to drink. So thirsty, so very thirsty...look in the refrigerator...nothing appeals to me. Water quite nearly disgusts me, strangely enough. But when I do decide to drink something, it is always something of a certain color..Cherryjuice, cranberry juice, V8 juice, etc...now isn't it interesting that this all started after I had that dream about being a vampire. Fascinating, eh? How I suddenly thought up how delightful it would be to gulp down large portions of blood. The metallic undertone, the semi-thick texture, the life...fascinating....absolutely....Absolutely fascinating that I'm a complete LUNATIC. JESUS CHRIST...
Anyway...now that I'm a self-loathing overachieving vampire-wannabe who's asleep more than awake and that dreams of fucking itself...I will say good morning. Good morning! And be on my merry little psychotic way.
Current Mood: frustrated
5:19am: Oh Jesus f#$|<ing christ...
5 pM? 5 pm...-_-...I go to bed at 1...and wake up at 5 Pm -_-...as if 14 hours wasn't enough sleep...this time I had to sleep for 16! hurray! -_-
I mean sure I was having very...interesting dreams.
Let's see, first I dreamed I was with a friend riding this rollercoaster. And for awhile I was afraid my shoes were going to come off and then that my pants were going to get caught on something. Then it sort of turned into a scare-ride with us riding through a field of daisies. Then all of a sudden I was in my room being bitten by a shitload of bees.
Then it all faded into another dream in which I was on the street with a girlfriend walking towards what would be a dazzling spectacle of the moon parting into 2. We ended up exploring streets all over, running into various annoying things. But then we got to this wonderful area of houses all connected like an old-fashioned village. Flowers and plants everywhere. And then this large house. The house of the great mistress witch. There was a boy who greeted us and told us something such as "She cannot see you, you need this and this blah blah blah" type of thing. But then as we were about to leave, we passed a door and heard a whisper just behind it and leaned in. It was the mistress witch telling us what we came to hear. "The goddess isn't what lives tonight, tis the God which will soon shine bright." so we are all puzzled and make our way back to the area where the moons would supposedly part but then couldn't find it! And then we look to the sky and see that the sun has parted into three parts. One of light and of mind. One of darkness and of spirit. And one large neutral one in between of body. The body grew and destroyed both other suns and then the world.
Interesting ne...anyway...yeah...whatever at least I'm in a better mood now
Current Mood: annoyed

31st May 2004

3:57am: Aye...I'm confused and tired
-- only 4 AM...am I up early or late...does it matter? Eh anybody who knows me knows the answer to those questions. You know though... I feel strange... You see I just broke this spell that has been binding my friend and I together for years now. So it is almost like I am more alone than I have been in...well years. So it's sort of...well weird -_-...
But in any case, it is for the better...but I should've gone to bed like hours ago I feel like so out of it now ...but my stomach hurt hours ago so meh...
Got into another blasted argument tonight. This time with the green-eyed bastard in Hawaii. Hurray. We'd never argued with such malice before. Debates yeah sure. But no anger, even when we were supposedly "weird". But now just like everybody else, it is testy testy. Either the world's changing or I'm changing. But MY perspective hasn't changed that dramatically in the past few months. So there is no REAL reason why I should be having fights with every last person I know...
And you know what I really don't need this shit...everybody picking fights. Dont' I have enough to worry about without them? I mean bills and work not to mention a spiritual responsibility which is just a "tad" heavy on the shoulders. Wouldn't it be enough to just be left alone to get things done and prepare myself for the huge tasks which lay ahead of me? Of course not because apparently I'm supposed to do everything at once. Hurray...the life of a self-loathing overachiever is never easy; but it WILL eventually be rewarding by god. -_- or by devil...by whatever. I don't care. But it will be rewarding damnit.
Now where the hell is that chocolate...
Current Mood: bitchy

29th May 2004

3:51pm: Accepting changes
Recently I came to discover that a long-time friend of mine, is changing and growing away from me. I just want to say that as much as I am saddened that our relationship is not to be the same from now on; it makes me happy to know that they finally are finding themselves and learning what makes them who they are. And I look forward to the new possibilities which are opening up thanks to this positive progression. I can't wait to acquaint myself with the person they are becoming...
Current Mood: contemplative
3:06pm: -_- You know, being a vampire's fun
I dreamed last night...after a bit of a marathon of buffy & angel watching...of being a vampire. I stalked multiple people, toyed with them, made them terrified, then drank them in an orgasmic and spontaneous lustful need for destruction... hmmm... it was fun. I rather enjoyed it.
So now that everyone knows how evil I could be; I will be off to my work.
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